These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
