put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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