I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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