Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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