So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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