I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
