i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
