the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
