Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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