i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
