final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
