A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
