Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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