theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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