The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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