okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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