Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
