I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
