needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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