Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This baby is an asshole
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
