legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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