Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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