Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Randomize
