genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just sent this text using only my big toe
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
