I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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