I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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