How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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