I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He better not be in your backpack
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
