Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
