I just cut my nipple shaving
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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