I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
