Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
