fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
