Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
