I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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