He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
