My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
