You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
