dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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