You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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