How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
