around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
