smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I had to cum in my sink.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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