I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
