who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
