I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I stole a fireplace last night.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
