i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
