Don't make out with my wife yet
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
