i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
