I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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