pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
