Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
