Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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